95: seeking answers before 30s

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Playing music: Lose Control // Teddy Swims
Hallo die Schikeria!

"Everyone you meet always asks if you have a career, are married or own a house; as if life was some kind of grocery list. But nobody ever asks if you are happy." - Heath Lodger 

Just reached the age before 30s and I've found this post from Afifah's blog for some time ago. I want to write my own answers too, 'cause hey why not.

1. What am I looking for in a partner?
   If I were to be honest, at the time I'm writing this I am not looking for anyone in particular. I get it, the question asking for personal preferences, which I do have, but not gonna list it. Not looking for anyone or anything from other people.

2. Is this the person I want to spend the rest of my life with?
   If it's meant by myself, I don't think I have that much of a choice here. If it is implied of this so-called partner, I do not have one at the moment.

3. What will make me happy?
   Doing things that I love, spending time with loved ones, and enjoying my life, for the best or for the worst.

4. Is this worth it?
   This is a pretty general question, my answer is, yes.

5. Is this the job I want in 10 years?
   I'm currently unemployed by the time I'm writing this, so I don't have any answer for this question. However, there are some people hinted at me to give a shot in teaching related job because according to them, I have the teaching skills and pretty good at it. Well, the thing is, yes, I do know that I do have teaching skills set after doing freelance teaching during my study years, and I'll say I do good at teaching (need to include the self-praise 'cause why not). However, I do not have the patience to deal with students' attitude and can easily get mad when students did not perform well in my class. It is a good recommendation, it's just that I'm not build for the pressure of becoming an educator hahaha. 

6. Do I miss him?
   Another general question here. Out of nostalgia, yes. No further comment.

7. Do I have any real regrets?
   I used to live in regrets when I was in my teen years, up to early 20s-ish. Nowadays, not much regrets to live by. Even if I do, I'll just live with it.

8. What goals do I still have?
   I'm not some kind of aspirational person with goals and have never been one. I live by following the flow, with little motivation to survive on a day-to-day basis.

9. What impact do I want to make?
   Hopefully, people in my life cherish me as much as I cherish them, even if that person is no longer in my life anymore, literally or figuratively.

10. Do I want a family?
    As I grow older, I just want to be left alone. I didn't have that much capacity to deal with this family of mine to begin with, let alone in having one. So no thanks.

11. Are my friends really my friends?
    I know very well that the time I have spent with my friends doesn't equate that they're "my friends", but they are my friends alright. Most of the friendships that I have is more than 10 years of knowing each other and I'm proud of that. IYKYK uwu

12. Am I a good friend?
    I can't speak this for myself but if I need to say it, I'm an okay friend at best.

13. Is this the city I want to live in?
    Yes, city gyal will always be a city gyal. Through and through.

14. When was the happiest time of my life?
    There are fragments of it across the time of my life, I don't have a specific happiest time.

15. Am I a good daughter?
    You know what, I can say this very proudly, yes. I do mistakes every now and then, but I always try my best to be a good daughter.

16. Am I a good person?
    I'm a believer that people aren't just "good" or "bad", it's more of a spectrum; I'm somewhere in the middle swinging back and forth between good and bad.

17. Do I care what other people think?
    The real question is, do I care what people I cherish in my life thinks? Then yes.

18. Should I feel guilty about cutting someone off?
    Nope. Life's happen, and there's a reason why I decide to cut people off.

19. Are my friends the friends I want for life?
    I used to have this idealized version of friendship that I want, but as I'm getting older, I've become more and more content with the friendship that I have and I'm loving it.

20. Do people respect me?
    I do not know, and I do not care about it enough to know.

21. Do I care enough about my body?
    I think I've spend enough times of being insecure of my body, and now I'm glad to have this body as it is. I take care of my body as much as I could, though, age factor really starts to kick in like high-key for sure. Sometimes I can get a back-ache when I just stretch out my body after I wake up from bed on a random Tuesday, and it affects my daily life alright.

22. Can I speak up for myself?
    I've been a non-confrontational person, I do not know how to deal with conflict properly. I do know the importance of standing up for myself, so I decided to learn to stand up for myself, when I know there's no one going to defend me. But yeah, that depends, 'cause most of the time I choose to ignore instead. 

23. Is it too late to change?
    Change is the one thing that is always constant in life, so no. I stand by this take.

24. Do I need someone?
    Yes and no. Yes, because I'm a human, a social creature that need some degree of another human being to just stay alive and sane. I do need my family and friends. No, because I've been by my own most of my life, I don't think I know how to be with "someone" at this point. Even if I do, I would like it to be "wanting" someone; needing someone doesn't sit right with me. 

25. Do I need more?
    Nope. I am blessed with what I have and I am pretty content with it. Even if I do, it's more of tangible things like money and books.

26. Am I ready to be an adult?
    I think I have been an adult since I was 10, I want to be a kid with an adult mind instead.

27. Have I challenged myself?
    I'm not so sure about that. I need to think this through.

28. Will I find love?
    Love have always been here, why do I need to find one? As Dolly Alderton once said, "you probably have access to an abundance of it already, just not the romantic kind."

29. Do I have the life I wanted?
    I'm still in the middle of the journey in my life where I've spend most of my 20s by studying at university, so I can't say with confidence that I have the life that I wanted. But I am working towards it, hopefully.

30. Am I really 30?
    I was writing this at the age of 29, but age is just numbers anyway. Furthermore, people always mistaken me being in my 30s since in my teens, what difference does it made now.